THINGS LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
(Investigator 75, 2000 November)
Movies are uniquely educational. They provide an understanding of life and reality that most of us wouldn't otherwise know about.
For example, impressions gained from watching movies include:
1 Beautiful women get sicknesses that make them more beautiful as they get sicker.
2 Car drivers can look behind to talk to a back-seat passenger for up to a minute without accident.
3 Cars that speed over a cliff at the end of a chase explode in mid-air.
4 Police departments give officers personality tests that ensure that their partner is as incompatible to them as possible.
5 An alcoholic drink is most-satisfyingly drunk by jerking back the head.
6 Strong coffee will sober you up no matter how intoxicated you are.
7 If some one gets his fingers crushed it will turn out that he's a watchmaker.
8 Detectives can only solve a case after they are suspended from duty.
9 Anyone who drinks something really strong or bad tasting will spit it out onto the person standing nearest to him.
10 You'll always be served straight away at a bar – no waiting at all.
11 The best thirst quencher for dirty, dusty, thirsty cowboys straight after a cattle drive is whisky.
12 When extraterrestrials number more than two or three they tend to be the same size as humans.
13 If the house is haunted or the neighbourhood dangerous, women will investigate any strange noises draped in revealing underwear or in only a towel.
14 Laptop computers are able to override the communications of alien invaders whose computers also happen to be IBM-compatible.
15 When you turn off the lights at night everything is still clearly visible – just bluish.
16 Police investigations require at least one visit to a strip club.
17 Large New York City apartments are within the price range of most people – even the unemployed.
18 Asteroids moving in space emit a sound like the hum of a quiet but powerful engine.
19 People don't cough, sneeze or stumble unless they have a terminal illness.
20 Defusing a bomb is easy – just wait until two seconds before it's set to explode and you'll guess correctly which wire to cut.
21 Computer screens always show the message: "Enter password now."
22 In war it's a mistake to show someone a picture of your sweetheart because if you do you'll die but the person you show it to will survive.
23 When driving along a perfectly straight road the steering wheel must be turned vigorously from left to right every few seconds.
24 A woman who hates a man will fall in love with him.
25 Grocery shopping bags always contain at least one stick of French bread.
26 Taxis are easy to get unless your life is in danger in which case no taxi will be available.
27 Attractive women are careless with curtains and blinds when they undress and are readily seen in knickers or naked by a passerby.
28 Speeding, out-of-control cars will smash fruit-stalls, fences, shop-fronts, posts and walls but won't hurt any people.
29 Bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red read-outs stating when they'll explode.
30 Anyone can easily land a plane safely if there is someone in the control tower to talk him down.
31 Megalomaniacs don't waste bullets on their arch enemies but use complex machinery involving deadly gases, pulleys, sharks, lasers, fuses and timing devices that allow their captive five or ten minutes to escape – which they always do with seconds to spare.
32 Beds have a special L-shaped cover sheet that reaches up to the armpits of the woman in bed but only up to the waist of the man next to her.
33 If there is a large pane of glass, someone is certain to be thrown through it.
34 Cars will start easily and every time – except when you're desperately trying to flee from danger.
35 A person being chased on foot will repeatedly pause to throw items such as chairs, bins or boxes at his pursuer – even though it takes more effort and time to throw than to dodge.
36 If there's a bar room brawl every customer will join in and at least one bottle will smash on someone's head.
37 If you're blonde and pretty it's possible to become a world expert in genetics at 23.
38 If you want to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer you need not be able to speak German or Russian – imitating the accent will do.
39 Soldiers thrown into the air by an exploding grenade always kick their legs vigorously and swing their arms wildly.
40 Men show no pain when given beatings or when injured but wince when a woman cleans the wound.
41 Applied lipstick never runs off even when scuba diving.
42 In a martial arts fight your enemies will dance around threateningly but only attack you one by one.
43 In a martial arts contest you'll get ferociously battered until the last round when you suddenly recover and win.
44 The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
45 Gondolas in Venice always carry at least one couple in love.
46 If there is something essential for you to know you will manage to eavesdrop at just the right occasion.
47 Chess players can't see defeat or checkmate a mere one move ahead and are always shocked when they lose!
48 Thunder and lightning occur simultaneously.
49 If a city is destroyed by asteroid, hurricane, volcano, tsunami or aliens the family dog will survive.
50 If a human life is at stake a dog will know how to get help.
51The results of lie-detector tests are always in doubt except if you're guilty in which case you'll pass.
52 Men can be punched in the face time and time again without signs of hurt or pain – except perhaps to spit out a tooth.
53 Children are experts at computers and know more than adults.
54 If you decide to dance in the street every passerby will know the steps and join in.
55 Nightmares differ from dreams in that they make the person sit bolt upright upon awaking.
56 If you're a Ninja you can leave dead and injured people all over the place without bothersome police investigations occurring.
57 Every jail has at least one brutal guard.
58 When women fight they slap each other, grab each other's hair, then fall over together and roll over a few times.
59 The police will search premises for evidence during day-time and find nothing. The detective who arrives at night will find it immediately.
60 Germans scream when shot, Americans don't.
61 One of a pair of identical twins is always evil.
62 Terrified women show terror by stuffing a hand into the mouth.
63 Suitcases packed for a long trip are always weightless when carried.